Lacrimosa
by Maeve Morgan
Summary: AU. Post War. His feelings of guilt bottled up for years suddenly came out in a state of halfdrunkenness after a celebration. She tries to help. Eventually, all she can do is hold him.


**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. The use of its characters, locations, and universe in general are merely a lend. I only own the plotline, and a CD copy of "Breakaway".

A.N.: This was written to the inspiring melody and lyrics of Kelly Clarkson's "Beautiful Disaster". I just felt compelled to write something every time I listened to it. Then one day (and several more, actually) I decided to hit the replay button, listened it for endless hours, and this came along.

This is an Alternative Universe. I'm purposefully ignoring certain events of the series. The major and most important one being the death in "Order of the Phoenix". It also contains potential spoilers for all six published books. It contains Character Death (quite a few, actually). I also do know that James and Lily's house in Godric's Hollow was actually a two-story cottage, so consider I'm taking creative license about that matter.

* * *

**Lacrimosa**

"Happy New-Year!"

The whole room burst in different voices, colours and sounds as the grandfather clock in the hall stroked midnight with a high gong. People from diverse backgrounds, dressed in the most varied fashions proclaimed that same phrase for well five minutes after the start of the New Year, as there were so many people to hug and congratulate. This was, after all, a very promising year.

The first Voldemort-free year after so long was something very worthy of extra celebration.

"Happy 1999!" She chanted cheerfully, pulling the dark-haired young man into a hug (even though she'd already wished him a Happy New Year mere moments before). He returned it as affectionately, smiling down at her. His green eyes sparkled even as the Weasley Wizard Wheezes' amazing fireworks lit up the dark sky outside the window to their left.

Frowning slightly, he asked, "Are those tears in your eyes?"

"Yes, but they're tears of joy, Harry." She was still amazed they had survived the war. Even so much as five months after the Final Battle, she could barely believe they had destroyed all of Voldemort's Horcruxes, fought his army of Death Eaters, and been victorious in the end. She pulled Harry into another tight hug just to assure herself he was truly there.

"Come on, Hermione! Don't cry now! It's time to party! The last year of the millennium!" Their taller and red-haired friend cried, throwing his arms over their shoulders good-naturedly.

"Actually, since there was no year zero, the new millennium starts in 2001. Therefore next year will be the last of this one," Hermione explained in her professor voice.

"Technicalities," Ron Weasley replied with a roll of his blue eyes.

"Accuracy," Hermione Granger countered with an eyebrow raised in challenge.

"Please don't fight now," Harry Potter pleaded in a slightly tired manner, looking wearily between his best friends.

"Who's fighting?" The trio turned around and found the suspicious brown eyes of Ginevra Weasley, who was contemplating them with both hands on her waist.

"Do you know you look just like Mom when you do that?" Her brother questioned with a smirk.

"Oh hush," she replied. Deciding he was probably right, she chose to stand next to her boyfriend, who came to her rescue as he put his arms around her. "Are you two fighting already?" She turned narrowed eyes to the other two.

"No," Ron and Hermione replied in unison, glancing at each other after saying it.

"They really weren't, Ginny," Harry said with a grin. "Just the usual… thing they have."

"Excuse me?" Hermione's eyebrows raised even higher in her forehead with scepticism and something akin to exasperation. "We have a _thing_?" Her arms seemed to cross themselves on their own volition.

"She's going for denial," Harry whispered in his girlfriend's ear. Ginny tried to turn her giggles into a fit of cough once the vindictive glare shifted its focus onto her.

"Stop pestering her," Ron said, his ears turning a glaring shade of red that clashed horribly with his hair.

"Oh, doing the knight in shinning armour routine now, Ronald?" His sister smirked up at him even as Harry barely contained his own laughter.

"Of course," the redheaded young man replied, taking a dignified sort of stance. "I have to defend my post. I'm the only one who can annoy Hermione." He added, casually throwing an arm over her shoulders.

Looking up at him with a curious glance, she gave him a mysterious smile and said, "I wonder what your girlfriend would make of that statement."

"Most people would consider you two to still be madly (and quite jealously) in love with each other," came a dreamy sort of voice from behind them. They turned to see a pretty blonde with a vacant look in her large blue eyes. "That said, I think it's safe to assume I'm not most people and that I think nothing of it. At least nothing too worrisome."

The others grinned, thinking they'd never consider Luna Lovegood to be even remotely like most people. Ron removed his arm from around Hermione and went to kiss his girlfriend. With a light wave of their hands, they departed to the dance floor as Ron quickly took one of her hands and twirled her around to join the many other dancing couples.

"Let's dance too!" Ginny exclaimed, her voice filled with laughter. She tugged playfully at Harry's shirt, grinning mischievously.

"Nah I think I'll sit this one down," he replied, sheepishly running a hand through his ever-messy hair. Ginny pouted adorably up at him, and Hermione watched this unfold with amusement. She knew how much the redhead adored to dance, and how the saviour of the wizarding world felt self-conscious about it.

"Come on, Harry! It's a new year, we have to try new things," she argued, slightly pleadingly.

"Technically, it's not new as I did have to dance at the Yule Ball," he countered with an innocent smile.

"It's new, because you danced with Parvati, not me," Ginny replied easily. "You have to loosen up, Harry. No one is going to notice you, they're all dancing! Tell him, Hermione." She turned to her friend for help.

"And there's Hermione," Harry said this quickly, and both girls looked at him a bit confused. "I mean, yeah we could go dancing, and leave Hermione here all by herself? Would that be the right thing to do? Wouldn't it be too cruel? In fact, wouldn't it be considered betrayal?"

Ginny turned a deeply sceptical look towards her boyfriend, shaking her head in disbelief. The lengths some people would go to avoid a few steps to upbeat music on the dance floor, she mused to herself. Well, not really 'some people'. Only Harry Potter would resort to such things.

"I'm heartened to know how much you would sacrifice yourself for me, Harry." Hermione said with a sarcastic undertone and blatant amusement in her voice. "But I think it's only fair for you two to have some fun. I assure you I'll be heartbroken, but should recover in due time. In fact, I'll just head for the bar and fetch me a drink to drown my sorrows. Please, dance away." She finished with a rather dramatic wave of her hand.

She just smirked as she walked away from the couple, dodging other people on her way. She returned Ginny's playful wink, and ignored Harry's 'you-betrayed-me' glare. Realizing he was being ignored, he then sighed and followed the already bobbing redhead to where the other dancers were assembled.

True to her word, Hermione made her way through the crowd to the bar. She smiled to seeing Charlie Weasley pouring drinks from behind the counter, assisted by a very eager and excited Dobby.

"Miss Hermione, miss!" The little creature squeaked in delight as she sat down on a stool.

"Hello, Dobby," she smiled at him. "Hi Charlie."

"Hey there," he said with a smile of his own. "What can I get you?"

Hermione usually drank nothing stronger than butterbeer, but she felt tonight was a special occasion enough for a different and somewhat fancier drink. "A 'sex on the beach'," she said, and instantly blushed at the surprised look on the Weasley's face. "You do know that's a Muggle drink, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do. One of my colleagues in Romania taught me a lot about Muggle drinks," he said, moving about to make her drink. "I just never thought I'd hear Hermione Granger utter those words."

"Oh shut it," she said with an embarrassed smile. "What are you doing here, anyway? I thought Dean and Seamus were bartending for the night."

"They are," he replied. "Or were. They just took a break." He gestured to the dance floor with a nod and Hermione followed his gaze. She found Seamus dancing with Lavender, and Dean chatting up a girl she vaguely recognized. Charlie continued with a grin. "They actually asked for the twins to take care of the bar. Would you imagine the catastrophe?"

"Gred and Forge bartending? No good can come from that," she acquiesced, nodding vigorously. "Do you know who's that with Dean?" She added curiously, turning to look over her shoulder at the mentioned couple.

"Yeah, that's Leanne," he replied, briefly raising his eyes from his task. "You probably remember her from Hogwarts. She is Katie's friend."

"Oh right," Hermione said. "She was there in the whole cursed necklace business, of course. I don't really remember seeing her that much. She was in Hufflepuff, wasn't she?" At the nodded confirmation, she turned back around to face him. "And where is Katie?"

"Stopping Angelina and Sarah from killing my aforementioned brothers," an unabashed Charlie said, handing her a fancy cup with her drink.

"Oh dear," she almost felt the need to sigh, but continued smiling instead. "What did they do now?"

"Their usual ideas of mayhem. I didn't actually hear the entire version, but I think it had something to do with those fireworks." He paused with a smirk. "But I reckon what really irked the girls was the fact that their hairs turned red right after they kissed them at midnight. Katie is chasing them somewhere around the room to stop possible manslaughter. I think she has retaliation ideas too, actually."

"It's good that you got a girlfriend that already knows how to deal with them, then," she replied with rather a mischievous grin that'd have made Fred and George proud (Ron and Harry too).

Charlie laughed at the remark, and said, "Yeah, she's come in handy for that, too. I'd forgotten how it was to simply be around them, spending so much time away."

She sipped her drink, and they continued to talk amiably about the other aspects of the party. Her brown eyes surveyed the large room and the many people in it with rapid attention. She wondered what the villagers of Godric's Hollow would think of the riotous celebration the new owners of the Ruby Manor were throwing. It must have been a shock to see that many people in the property so suddenly. After all, the mansion that had been empty and decaying for the last seventeen years.

After the demise of the most-feared Dark Lord of the century and Harry's recovery from the Last Battle, he and his friends had come to reconstruct the ruins of his family's old house. It had taken time and great effort, but just as December began, they finished all the work and improvements, and moved to furnish the large and old Manor. In addition to hosting the New Year's party, this was also the inauguration of Harry Potter's new home.

The Grangers had been one of the many Muggle casualties in the war, and Harry immediately invited Hermione to move in with him after they decided to rebuild the house. She happily accepted, as she could think of no other place to live other than with her friends that were more like a family. Ron also moved his belongings into the house. Both of them assured Harry that it would be something temporary, only until they found themselves a place to live on their own.

"You're staying here," Harry said with a voice that made no room for discussions. "This is the house of my family, and you two are it. I wouldn't bear to live in this gigantic place on my own."

Ginny was still in the processes of convincing her parents that living with her boyfriend was actually something good. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley already treated Harry like one of their sons, but it didn't come as a complete shock when both opposed to this idea. In truth, Ginny was still in her last year at Hogwarts, so they wouldn't have to worry about this too much for now. They had until late June to concoct a master plan to convince them.

The other resident at the Manor that Harry insisted to live with them was Sirius Black. Of course, his godfather still owned the house in Grimmauld Place, but they decided to maintain it as Headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix. Also, no one was quite willing to live at the place that held so many memories of the War.

Hermione still remembered. She, Harry, and Ron usually stayed at the Unplottable location between hunting the Horcruxes, and later when they were still rebuilding Ruby Manor. She thought every person that had spent at least one night over the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black had bad dreams. She knew Sirius had them nearly every night. He still had them.

It was not in her nature to pry. However, once she was awakened by her own nightmares she couldn't help but wander silently through the dark corridors. Harry and Ron both had the habit of placing Silencing Charms around their rooms so as not to disturb others. She detested it, but never voiced it. She figured it would be hypocritical, since she at times used them as well.

But she soon found Sirius didn't bother with them. Given his time in Azkaban and every other tragedy the man had had in life she'd have thought he'd employ them more than often. But he didn't shout, he didn't scream; though he did cry. He'd suffer silently, trying to fight his demons as horrid dreams took over his mind. And she watched him, because at the time she didn't know what was worse: the nightmare or the reality they were living like a horrible dream.

It amazed her, really, that the next morning he'd be laughing. Laughing, and joking, and pranking if given half the chance. Even as gloomy and depressing as their world was, he would find a reason to make them smile. They hadn't realized it at the time, but he had managed to keep them sane amongst all the chaos.

"There they are!" Charlie's voice suddenly snapped her out of her reverie. She looked at the direction he was pointing, and found two girls, a tall and black one and a shorter brunette closing in on the twin redheads. "I see they've managed to get their hairs back to normal."

"They're still getting revenge though," a slim blonde said, sitting next to Hermione on a stool. "Sirius turned them back. Apparently, it was his invention that turned them red in the first place."

"You'd be amazed with how much that man helped improve the twins' products," Hermione said, smiling at her. "And I believe he's also given Ms. Johnson and Ms. Fawcett ideas for retaliation, am I right?"

Katie Bell raised an eyebrow in surprise and nodded her head in reply. They watched as the vengeful girls waved their wands, Sirius laughing maniacally in the background. An instant later, Fred and George spouted exact replicas of greasy-hair of a certain Potions Master, to their utter horror. Charlie, Katie and Hermione found themselves laughing even as Angelina and Sarah collapsed into hysterics in the middle of the ballroom.

After the initial surprise, Fred and George actually played along with the prank. They transfigured their dress robes into billowing black ones reminiscent of Severus Snape and started walking around impersonating the man. They only stopped when Harry drew his wand and nearly hexed them into next week first for thinking Death Eaters had come back from the grave and invaded the party, and then because of the shock the twins had given him.

The rest of the evening followed without any more incidents. As the celebration carried on into later hours of the morning, the many guests took in turns to saying farewell and leaving for their homes. Seeing as Harry and Ginny had retreated rather early after Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had left, and Luna had dragged Ron outside in the cold for Merlin knew what, Hermione found herself playing the part of the graceful hostess. She figured it'd be better she do it instead of Sirius. At least she was sober and less likely to prank the departing people.

She didn't know why, but she found herself watching him throughout the night. There were moments when he'd simply retreat into himself and seemingly watch the party with a vacant look in his eyes. There were others in which he'd take out his wand and perform outrageous forms of magic to entertain the people around him. Yet, she found it odd that not even once Padfoot had made an appearance. If anything, she thought he'd be eager to let the dog loose now that he was a legally registered Animagus. But he didn't.

It was nearly four thirty in the morning when the last guests left Ruby Manor. Hermione ordered Dobby and Winky to leave the cleaning to be done the next day and they begrudgingly left to their quarters. She lightly shook her head at the elves and turned around, looking at the ballroom. Sirius was sitting in an alcove, looking out through one of the French windows. She silently made her way over.

"Do you see Ron and Luna out there?" She questioned softly.

"No," he replied, still looking out at the stars. "They actually came back in over an hour ago. I guess you missed them."

"Oh." She whispered in reply, still watching him. He looked like a perfect portrait of tragedy. His features were soft in the moonlight, and not even a frown marked his face, but his grey eyes, shadowed by his too-long dark hair, expressed something she couldn't quite get a hold of. Was it sadness? Angst? Or simply the haziness of alcohol? She couldn't say.

Slowly he turned to look at her. "I don't think I've said this, but you looked beautiful tonight." He smiled softly at her.

"You're drunk, Sirius." She said evenly with a hint of amusement in her voice. "You should go sleep."

"Maybe." He replied, something mischievous glinting in his eyes momentarily. "But I don't think I can."

"Why not?" She questioned curiously.

"I feel I'll experience a very painful hangover come the morning, and I'd like to be prepared," he said, languidly coming up to his feet. He shot her an appraising sort of look. "You're good with potions, right?"

She raised an eyebrow at that. "I believe so," she replied after a moment, still unsure of what that had to do with anything.

"Good," he said. "Then you should help me prepare something." With that said, he grabbed hold of her hand and took her with him through the hallways of the mansion.

"Oh sure," she said sarcastically as he continued to pull her towards the kitchens. "Don't mind me and the fact that I might want to go to bed. Drag me along!"

"Hush, or you'll wake the others," he said in a low tone, and she felt herself blushing. Wasn't he supposed to be drunk?

They entered the kitchens, and Sirius lit the candles with a wave of his wand. He left Hermione sitting on a stool on the counter and set after a cauldron and various ingredients as she continued to watch him. He explained they'd brew a potion that cured hangovers, and that could be ingested before or after the affliction itself attacked the person.

"If you actually know how to brew the potion, why ever would you need me here?" She asked just as he had finished mixing the ingredients and was stirring the potion in a clock-wise motion.

"To keep me company," his grey eyes looked up at her. "And you said I was drunk, and it's never wise to leave one wandering on their own while inebriated. I should know that."

"Of course," she said quietly. She watched curiously as he then proceeded to fill a kettle with water and place it on the stove.

Noticing her questioning eyes, he explained, "I'm making tea for you." At her surprised look, he added, "I figured you should drink something too, and since you're not actually drunk you wouldn't need the potion."

"Oh. Thank you."

A few moments later, they were sitting at the kitchen table, he with a goblet of steaming potion, she with a cup of hot tea. Her brown eyes continued to watch him as every now and then she brought the cup to her lips. His left arm rested on the surface of the wooden table, and his eyes looked out through the window at his right. He was distracted, she noticed. They remained in silence.

Seeming to remember his potion, he moved to take the goblet in his hand. As he did so, his eyes came to rest on her and for a moment they widened in surprise. An instant later, he shook his head and his expression was replaced by one of sadness. He gulped the rest of the potion down in one motion and abruptly stood up, leaning against the window and turning his back to her.

"What's wrong?" She frowned in confusion, placing her cup down on the saucer.

"Nothing," he replied hoarsely. Clearing his throat, he added, turning back to look at her. "I'm sorry, I was just lost in my thoughts… you reminded me of someone."

"I did?" She looked surprised. No one had ever physically mistaken her for someone else, especially in the wizarding world.

"Yes," he sighed, rather tiredly. "I don't know if it was the light, the potion or the drinks, but for one feeble moment you looked just like her… It's actually a bit odd, as you two don't really look alike. Her hair was darker, and her eyes were blue. But the shape of the face, and a few traces, like the chin or the nose…" He looked out again, and seemed to be talking more to himself.

She continued looking at him expectantly, as he was once again lost in his private thoughts. He glanced back at her after a moment, and smiled sheepishly. "I'm sorry, I'm not making any sense."

"Well, one must expect that when dealing with inebriated minds," she said with a tiny smile.

To her surprise, he laughed softly and turned to sit down opposite her once more. "You really do remind me of her," he added, quieting down. "Marlene McKinnon." He explained before her curious expression. "She used to say something like that, too."

"Marlene McKinnon? From the Order?" She asked, once more taking the cup in her hands.

"From Hogwarts," he said with traces of a smile. "From my childhood, actually." He looked down at the table and started to idly drum his fingers. "She was in Gryffindor with us, the same year. Lovely girl. She was the one person that managed to keep Lily and James in the same room without them killing each other. She was actually their maid of honour." He smiled a little, but his eyes turned sad. "Marlene… She was the first person close to us that we lost to the war."

She felt chills running up and down her arms, and suddenly remembered what it was like when Neville had been killed. Surely, Cedric had actually been the first victim, and Dumbledore's murder was a blow they'd never forget. But Neville was their friend. He was one of them. And he was taken from them. Afterwards, many others had the same fate. Parvati and Padma Patil, Alicia Spinnet, Lee Jordan, Cho Chang, Oliver Wood… But he was the first. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice barely a whisper.

"Me too." He said just as softly as if he knew what she was thinking. They remained in silence for some minutes more. Then he continued, rather suddenly. "I was going to marry her."

"You were engaged?" She questioned, trying to keep the shock out of her voice. She failed.

"I know, it seems highly unlikely," he smiled ruefully. "But we were. It would have been our nineteenth anniversary this May, if she… If Peter hadn't betrayed us." He frowned at the table, slowly fingering the goblet between his hands. "It's all my fault, really."

"Your fault?" She questioned, confused.

"That she died. I couldn't save her." He declared in a hollow voice.

"Sirius…" She said despairingly. "You can't say that. It was the war."

"She should have… She should have stayed at my place that night, but it was her mother's birthday." He ignored her, and continued to pour out his memories. "She was always arguing with Maggie, her mother; she didn't really want to go there. Ironical that it led to her death." He paused for a moment. "I should have saved her."

He stood up after a moment, and walked back to the window. Leaning against the wall, he kept looking up at the skies as if waiting for something. Absolution? A miracle? Death? She didn't know.

"Why do you keep looking out the window?" She questioned when she found she couldn't bear it anymore.

"Tomorrow is going to be a full moon." It was his answer.

She seemed puzzled for a moment. She didn't know how that answered her question. And then she realized. Coming out of her stupor, she abruptly pushed her chair back, making a screeching sound against the floor. He turned to look at her as she stood up, shaking hands leaning against the round table for support.

"Sirius, you can't… you shouldn't…" She was so unnerved that she couldn't form sentences. Then she continued firmly. "No. Don't blame yourself for their deaths."

"I couldn't save them." He said again in a painful whisper.

"Neither could I, nor Harry, or anyone else." She wanted to shout, but managed to keep her voice to a minimum. "You can't be blamed for their deaths. You have to stop doing that to yourself. Blame Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Antonin Dolohov, McNair, Lucius Malfoy, and Lestrange, and—"

"I did!" Sirius cried back. "I did blame them, and the next chance I had I went after them. I killed Bella for killing them! I did that and yet it's still my fault that I couldn't save them."

"Blaming yourself will not bring them back either," she said softly, for the first time seeing the tears in his eyes. "Remus wouldn't want that." She felt her own tears run down her face, and sat down again for she knew her shaking legs would fail to support her.

It had happened when they were away looking for the last Horcrux. Harry, Ron, and Hermione first heard word of it from a hasty Patronus sent after them. By the time they returned, it was all over.

They never knew why, but in the growing chaos of the war, it amazed many people that Ted and Andromeda Tonks had never once been attacked. Given that she was the blood-traitor sister of Bellatrix Lestrange and Narcissa Malfoy, most people speculated they'd have been one of the first people eliminated from the Light. But Sirius explained that was exactly the reason why no Death Eater went after them.

"Andy is a traitor," he had said once. "But no one would dare attack her unless under explicit orders from Voldemort. And I think Bellatrix and Narcissa may be protecting her, even now."

Most in the Order were sceptical about it. Why would any Death Eater protect a person they claimed to have betrayed them and their cause? However, Sirius had been right. The Tonks were under the protection of they who had once been the Black sisters. But, of course, one day Voldemort demanded something be done about it. He ordered his best Death Eaters to go after the couple.

Nymphadora Tonks felt her heart stop when she saw the Dark Mark hovering in the dark sky over her parents' house. She didn't need to go inside to know what she'd find, but she did it anyway. And then she wished she hasn't, for seeing their lifeless bodies would forever leave a hole in her soul.

It was a mad, hasty and suicidal plan. She didn't tell anyone. She simply and immediately Apparated to the surrounding area of Malfoy Manor, located somewhere in Wiltshire. No one knew exactly how she had managed to kill Narcissa Malfoy, not even now. But she did.

Tonks only relished for a brief moment on her revenge. It had been mere moments before that she had taken the life of her hateful aunt when half a dozen Death Eaters Apparated around her. She duelled them all and tried to escape. Even though she had left no messages regarding her plans, Remus suddenly appeared by her side, coming after her. Together they shot down McNair, but it was useless.

An hour later, Bellatrix Lestrange left the tattered bodies of Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin in front of number twelve, Grimmauld Place. And the Dark Mark hovered in the sky above the spot where the house should be had it not been Unplottable.

One day. One day that Sirius Black had lost three most important people in his life. His angry outburst had shot through his wand and decimated the skull burning in the sky.

"Stupid," Sirius murmured quietly. "Dora was so stupid… why did she have to go and do that all by herself? She could have called me, and I'd have happily went along! But why did she have to be so reckless? So stupid…"

Hermione remained in silence as she watched him for a moment longer. She quietly got to her feet and walked up to him. "I believe she had more of a Black in her than we thought," she finally whispered softly.

"Black…" Sirius spat, like a venomous word. He kept gazing out the window and his voice was soft, but so filled with emotions. "She took everyone from me. _Everyone_. I used to love her once, before I was deemed a blood-traitor because I wouldn't follow family traditions, because I was a Gryffindor, because I wouldn't serve her Lord…"

She frowned in confusion, but didn't want to interrupt him. She knew he was telling her things he'd never voiced before in her presence. She didn't know if he'd ever bring it up again, but she also knew he needed to say this right now, whatever it was.

"I lost her. Or then she lost me. And she took everyone from me. She persuaded Reg and Pete into becoming Death Eaters. Then she took Marlene. And James, Lily, Remus, Dora… and her own sister, Andy."

"Bellatrix?" Hermione felt her eyes widening in surprise as she finally realized he was talking about _her_.

"Bella," he nodded solemnly. "She killed them all and I killed her. And yet I couldn't save them."

"Sirius," she said, reaching with her hand to touch his face. He was so soft. Yet inside he was breaking, falling apart. "Listen to me. This is not your fault. You can't expect to save everyone." As he turned his face to look away, she forced his eyes to meet hers again. "No one blames you. Tonks knew what she was doing, and Remus went after her. It was their choice. And whatever else happened, you couldn't have stopped it either."

"I should have stayed home that day," he said, tears silently streaming down his face. "But it was a full moon, James had to be with Lily, and Peter couldn't make it; I wasn't going to leave Moony alone. But if I had stayed that night, she wouldn't go and she wouldn't have been killed. I should have been their Secret Keeper. I should've protected Andy. I should've…"

"Sirius…" She whispered despairingly as she watched him spiral down and be overcome with decades of feeling guilt. None of it was his fault, she knew it, and everyone else thought the same. And yet she couldn't convince him. So she did the only thing she could at the moment. She held him as she saw Sirius Black break down for the first time and open up his damaged soul.

They slid down the wall and sat on the kitchen floor for soon his weight was too much for her to bear. His tears ceased after a while and she kept stroking his hair gently.

"You are a great man, Sirius Black." She told him in soft whispers. "No one has done so much as you did. You turned yourself into an illegal Animagus to help a friend even when he expected you to turn him down for being a monster. You survived over a decade in Azkaban and broke out to save your godson. You helped us with the war even though it was a great risk to your life. You came to save us in the Department of Mysteries when you could've died that same day. You maintained our sanity with your presence every day.

"Everything you did was trying to help those you loved. What happened with Lily and James… you couldn't have foreseen it no more than they did. And the same goes for everything else. But you have to stop blaming yourself, Sirius. If I managed Harry to stop doing it, I can do it for you as well. And you have to believe me. You are a _great_ man."

She continued to whisper soothing nothings in his ear as he held her for dear life and for once didn't refute what she said. Some time later, she looked down and realized he had fallen asleep.

He's so beautiful, she thought, looking at his now peaceful face. So beautiful, yet such a disaster. He cries, and then he laughs. He never thinks himself as enough, yet he's more than he'll ever know. And Lord, he's suffered so much! It's all so wrong…

And so Hermione Granger sat there on the tiled floor of the kitchen as the first lights of the morning appeared in the dark sky. She continued to hold him, privately hoping for a miracle of her own now. She would do whatever was necessary to help him, to the risk of crumbling her world. Because despite not knowing why, how, or when it had happened, she knew she loved him. Even if as a disaster. He was also a beautiful soul...

* * *

A.N.: Wow. Honestly, when I started writing this I didn't know where it'd go. I never thought it would take such a turn for the dramatics, I was actually intending it to have a little more romance. Even though it's an unconventional couple, I sort of like them together. But I can't say I didn't have fun making Sirius suffer and break down like that. (evil grin)

None of the characters portrayed here are actually mine. Even Sarah Fawcett and Marlene McKinnon are the property of J.K. Rowling (even as minor characters or mentions along the books). I only took some liberties as a fanfiction author to develop them a little more.

And I'm so sorry for killing Remus and Tonks, you have no idea how much. I love them, and it pained me deeply to do that to them, but it was necessary. My references for the general Black family relationships comes from DeepDownSlytherin's many stories, especially "A Keen Observer", and I recommend all of this fantastic ficwriter's work. Oh and I would love to know your opinion!


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